Peak-Net web design promotion and hosting Peak District ServicesRead it and Weep - by 'Scoop' Tomlinson

 

AUGUST 2002

Its worse than I thought, it’s worse than any of us thought!  Our closet ‘spotter’ has taken so many pictures that the Malta Bus has come to England!   Its bad enough he took so many photos of the vehicles, with himself inside, outside, at the back at the front, at the side, on the step and with a small party of our club, but the steering wheel !!!!   Just how sad is that?  And if that was not bad enough, he is talking of making a collage from the photos, laminating them, and using them for place mats!  Martin, get out more, pleaaaaaaaaase.   Talking of pictures there is a quite scary one of myself and our D.O. kitted up, blue and yellow prevailing. There is nothing wrong with matching colours – you have to have standards (or so Steph would have us believe). 

As we have a quiet training time at the moment, I find myself sitting on the sidelines watching – ‘Scoop’ having time to watch is just so much bad news for everyone.  It gives me time to pick up on the things I may have missed if I were teaching underwater.  Things like divers searching through their kit bags frantically for the second fin that they knew was in the bag at last week pool session.  Or wandering around the pool ‘cos they know they have put their mask somewhere.  The best entertainment of all being the total realisation that neither piece of equipment are anywhere near Buxton Pool, but still at home.  Thank goodness for club equipment.

I think I have finally flipped my lid!  I must spend too much time preparing this club rag, because I went to the bar one Wednesday night and asked for a pint of ‘Free-Flow’.  Of course I wanted a pint of ‘Cream Flow’.  Even Debbie behind the bar knew that a free-flow was ‘what divers get’ – I need counselling fast – let me out!!  

Finally some decent weather at Capernwray.  Sunshine, slight breeze a pleasant 15 deg. Celsius with only a spot of rain - makes a change from the deluge of hailstones and freezing temperatures we have been experiencing.  Alan, Jane, Philip, Sean, Mervyn, Sam, Neil, Clive, Roy and myself all turned up for training meet.  Spot the obvious– NO TRAINEES. No 6 mtr wellie dives today!  The visibility was down to 1-2 mtrs in places, but most of the divers were experiencing 7-8 mtrs.  Navigation for the Bateman's failed, and being totally lost, surfaced at the far LH corner of the quarry – oops!  Roy and Clive on the other hand navigated perfectly to and from the Podsnap on the second dives – I was well impressed given the poor vis.  Sean dived with Mervyn and once again his suit leaked, on both dives.  I’m not sure if he is conducting a science project with water from as many sources he can fit in his suit or just too tight to get it fixed.  Sean, sort it!  Both of them practiced lifting the 26 kg weight with a lifting bag (container), all went well, considering the last attempt when Mervyn and I deployed it in Stoney and nearly wiped a diver out!  Mind you given the speed the container came back to the surface it could have given a diver a nasty shock! The changes at Capernwray are impressive, lecture rooms, larger shop, faster air fills and best of all beer in the restaurant.  Also there is a veranda to sit on in fine weather to watch the divers below.  Does this have a ring of Stoney about it? All the same mod cons, but no getting up at 3 to fight for a space on the car park.  By 11ish however the car park became quite full, but still no one was queuing for poll position.  Never mind, new mod cons or not, we still went over to the pub for a quick jar.  Some habits die-hard!

Planning and entering for the Carnival was tasked by the committee to Rob.  Obviously first things first – fill in the application form.  For most people not a difficult task, however, we are talking about Wobbie here.  Having sat with it on the table in the pub for an hour, pondering the ‘theme’ of the float and asking around for ideas, it suddenly dawned on him that he had just completed an application form for the 2001 Carnival! 

As most of you will know, well the ones that got knobbled for money anyway, Mervyn did a sponsored bike ride.  50 miles later apparently his butt felt like it had been ‘buggered’ – his words NOT mine.  Sean deliberated:  1. How does he know what that feels like?   2.  Wouldn’t it be better to actually put a saddle on the spike next time.  I bear no comments on the subject myself, only to congratulate the loud tattooed one on his remarkable achievement.

I seriously worry about the men in this club, on a recent camping trip to Swanage, it transpired that Roy tried to share a shower with James, walking in the cubicle right behind him.  I would have known the look of horror on James face I live with Roy!  Mind you having ejected Roy back out of the door again, James then opened the door and said: ‘alright then if you want to share you can’.    Talking of James, his girlfriend, Lydia was at Swanage also.  When he went for the boat dive, she was blowing kisses to him on his departure.  You can imagine the ridicule that got, along with the rest of Buxton club waving him off from the pier and blowing big wet kisses.

Some of you may have seen the article about the club in the Buxton Advertiser, and if you didn’t there is a copy in this issue of ‘Free-Flow’. There was a part in it that brought a smile to our lips.  “Members of Buxton Sub-Aqua Club say that diving hundreds of metres beneath the water is like being taken to an entirely different world”.  As Jane Bateman pointed out, at that depth probably the after-world!  Despite that at least we got almost a full page and hopefully some recruitment gains from it.  Thanks for organising it Rob, it was an experience for both the report and myself.

The Chinese meal went down well again, except for the exceptionally long delay on our table for food.  This was due to the 3 Batemans having a banquet consisting of 29 courses!  Then to add insult to injury Mervyn and Bernie were last to be served, then when it came it was wrong.  Mind you if Mervy had ordered the right numbers it would have been right.  Serves him right for taking the whiz out of me, when mine was last and wrong last time.  Tom is obviously in the wrong profession, he should give up teaching and go for pressure salesman.  He threatened to take his clothes off if we didn’t buy tickets.  £1 a strip!  Who would pay that much to see him naked, especially when there is food about!  Mind you he did sell the same numbered tickets twice!  Are we surprised given his nick name is ‘Ty Tarse’.  His ‘unusual’ sales method did well anyway and £52 was netted for the club and boat funds.

The Buxton Explorer Scouts came along on 12th June for a try dive, five of the little dears - spit.  They seem to have enjoyed their adventure with a threat that some may return to the club for training.  Their leader, Jane, whom I would have expected to be a Scout Master, but what do I know, knew our Jane from school.   They got on quite well underwater, as did the boys.  Some seemed to grasp the concept of buoyancy quite well, while others added the Polaris missile approach to the ascent.  Never mind they all exited the water in full working order.  Thanks to those volunteers who took the task of accompanying them underwater.  Having joined Roy when he gave them their ‘safety talk’ and ‘equipment lecture’ previously, I managed to evade the underwater experience with them.  In fact, considering that juveniles surrounded me I kept my sanity quite well! 

Rob and Sean went for a peaceful dip in Capernwray.  As we all know, Sean has a perpetual leak in his suit and this was the trip that was going to find it – well that was the mission in mind.  First dive, as usual, PWT! (p*** wet through).  Rob being his helpful, useless self offered to assist in the search of the elusive leak.  As Sean was wet from the waist down, Rob had the idea that if during a shallow dive Sean was inverted, air would escape the offending hole and the mission accomplished.  Going along with the idea, feet went up, no air came out.  By the time the dive was over, Sean was even more PWT. Above and beyond the waist.  His boots were full of water, and when he squeezed them, a spurt of water escaped.  The boot was leaking, mystery solved, but not before all the water had run as far down as his neck whilst he had been inverted.  The moral of the story – if you need a leak fixing don’t fetch a plumber like Rob!  Jane B, reconsider who is doing your bathroom you may end up with more dives than planned!!

Wednesday 26 June saw another birthday come and go for our chairman.  He was given a ‘ram posing pouch’ by his mate Andy, and trust me having seen him Ram impression in Malta, it was a vast improvement.  Yea not to mention a huge box of wine gums of which none were passed around.  It appears he becomes more of a pig than a ram when wine gums appear.  We all have our vices I suppose.

As Jane was indisposed I took on the role of teaching her students, despite them being very young.  However, both Liam and Michael are forward in their approach to the sport and they did very well with mask clearing and buoyancy during their first ‘wet’ lesson.  I took quite a bit of stick off Mr Froggatt, Goosey and Ian Mycock as its been a while since I was actually in the pool teach, but I rose above the taunting and proceeded as any Instructor would.  That was until I dropped a lead weight right on the bridge of my foot.  Aware that I had two pairs of young ears standing right in front of me, I took a deep breath as asked them to de-kit.  I immediately turned my back on them, grabbed by injured foot and swore for England!   See I can do decorum on the odd occasion.  Ouch!

Following the ‘water’ event that we know as ‘The Buxton Carnival’ peraphs it would be a good sporting event to have an inter-club competition. That way I would be able to get my own back on Mr Wildgoose for throwing a whole cup of water over my nicely painted face just be cause his water pistol (which was really a garden sprayer for plants) broke!  Ben had a pistol that was comparable to a power wash, whilst the loud tattooed one had a gun comparable to an Uzi 2million litre launcher!  Mine on the other hand was a mere Smith and Wesson pistol – not surprising then that I was wetter on the inside after that had been rammed down my suit zip and fired than having completed an actual dive.  Sally bore the same fate too.  Mind you given the hot weather it was nice to feel cool.  4 miles in a dry suit is not joke!  Still it was a ‘Grand Day Out’.

Scoop...

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